The Marchioness Has An Incredible Adventure
Listening: Headspin - Lukas Rossi
I know I already updated today but I just had an Incredible Adventure and I wanted to share it with the world.
I was sitting at the computer reminiscing on all those trashy bad guys I've put in prison through my skills as a sexy lawyer, when all of a sudden the mountain of CDs I have stacked next to my computer inexplicably tumbled over, raining down on my head in a shower of flashing metal and razar-sharp pain. My mother, in the next room over, wanted to know what happened and I screamed back something about gravity, but I knew the truth.
Ninjas!
Man those guys just do not know when to leave me alone. They are constantly after me and always at the most inconvenient times. In restaurants, I'll inevitably get a maitre-d' who, looking earnestly apologetic, will come to my table and say, "Miss Marchioness, I'm terribly sorry to interrupt your date but one of the waiters was just hit in the back of the neck with a blow-dart which was carrying a message addressed to you. I believe it was something about a battle to the death at sundown on a beach somewhere from the Black Leopard Clan, but I was a bit distracted trying to catch the plates the downed waiter dropped to be certain." And then I have to drag myself away from my entree and explain to my date that the fate of the world rests in my hands and that if he'll just head back to my apartment I'll be back in two hours blood-soaked and carrying a strip of black fabric taken from every one of the two hundred ninjas I will have successfully slain at that point, and would really appreciate it if he could be waiting, naked, and with a decent martini.
But this is the first time they've attacked me in my own home. The sheer gall of my enemies astounded me for a moment. Then I remembered that I was under attack, and leapt to my feet, racing out of my den and upstairs to my parents' bathroom. Not for typical bathroom activities, but because the bathroom window is by far the easiest way to get onto my roof.
On the roof I was not even slightly surprised to encounter my nemesis, Monkey Bite of the Black Leopard Clan. The most feared ninja this side of Newfoundland, I have tangled with him repeatedly and even though our battles always start out being fights to the death, one of us inevitably gets chased off by lions or snatched up by a radioactive golden eagle. Our eyes narrowed and the background behind us flashed white. It was on.
"MAN WHAT THE FARK ARE YOU DOING" I shouted. Or something along those lines.
Monkey Bite shouted something back at me, but as ninjas only speak Ninjish, I didn't catch a word of it. I yelled something to him about getting a translator and then a battle of epic proportions began. Ninjas were pouring out of the woodwork, coming at me with shurikens and nunchaku and shitake mushrooms and stuff like that. I think at one point there was a panther that tried to eat me, but I kicked it in the throat with my high heel and it exploded.
By the time the battle was over my roof was littered with ninja bodies and my clothing had been half ripped off in the commotion. Also there was a mysterious wind and I had struck a sexy pose. My injured enemies had fled to the trees, all except Monkey Bite. He babbled something in Ninjish and I told him to go teach his grandmother to suck eggs. Our witty banter continued for a few minutes and then he yelled the only English I've ever heard him use--"Sassy bitch!"--and he disappeared in a puff of smoke, along with the rest of his injured ninja party, the bodies of their slain, and for some reason, the remains of my clothing.
Up until that point I didn't remember exactly why the ninjas are always out to get me, but now I did. Only one person had ever called me a sassy bitch. Well, no, wait. I call myself a sassy bitch all the time. It's Cole's pet name for me, too, primarily when she's drunk. And Kelilah's been known to use it. Okay, so a lot of people call me a sassy bitch. But only one who could be associated with ninjas. There was this gambling conman billionaire I met over in Europe the last time the FBI called on me for help (which they do a lot, because I have mad skills and am also a marchioness), who called himself the Prince of Black Jack. We had a kind of a one-night stand thing, which might have turned out to be more if I hadn't messily slaughtered his entire slew of bodyguards when they caught me hunting for my underwear the next morning. We haven't really been back on good terms since, especially since I cheated him out of roughly a million dollars (which I blew on alcohol and lingerie within a week).
So that was where the ninjas have been coming from! Suddenly things make much more sense. I was still naked on the roof during this revelation, but I had to come down when I heard my dad shouting up in askance of what the ruckus was all about. I screamed something about termites and shimmied into my bedroom window to look for some clothes. Will the ninjas return? Probably. Will I post about it? Who knows.
Icarus promises that the next post will be more normal. No, really, she does.
I know I already updated today but I just had an Incredible Adventure and I wanted to share it with the world.
I was sitting at the computer reminiscing on all those trashy bad guys I've put in prison through my skills as a sexy lawyer, when all of a sudden the mountain of CDs I have stacked next to my computer inexplicably tumbled over, raining down on my head in a shower of flashing metal and razar-sharp pain. My mother, in the next room over, wanted to know what happened and I screamed back something about gravity, but I knew the truth.
Ninjas!
Man those guys just do not know when to leave me alone. They are constantly after me and always at the most inconvenient times. In restaurants, I'll inevitably get a maitre-d' who, looking earnestly apologetic, will come to my table and say, "Miss Marchioness, I'm terribly sorry to interrupt your date but one of the waiters was just hit in the back of the neck with a blow-dart which was carrying a message addressed to you. I believe it was something about a battle to the death at sundown on a beach somewhere from the Black Leopard Clan, but I was a bit distracted trying to catch the plates the downed waiter dropped to be certain." And then I have to drag myself away from my entree and explain to my date that the fate of the world rests in my hands and that if he'll just head back to my apartment I'll be back in two hours blood-soaked and carrying a strip of black fabric taken from every one of the two hundred ninjas I will have successfully slain at that point, and would really appreciate it if he could be waiting, naked, and with a decent martini.
But this is the first time they've attacked me in my own home. The sheer gall of my enemies astounded me for a moment. Then I remembered that I was under attack, and leapt to my feet, racing out of my den and upstairs to my parents' bathroom. Not for typical bathroom activities, but because the bathroom window is by far the easiest way to get onto my roof.
On the roof I was not even slightly surprised to encounter my nemesis, Monkey Bite of the Black Leopard Clan. The most feared ninja this side of Newfoundland, I have tangled with him repeatedly and even though our battles always start out being fights to the death, one of us inevitably gets chased off by lions or snatched up by a radioactive golden eagle. Our eyes narrowed and the background behind us flashed white. It was on.
"MAN WHAT THE FARK ARE YOU DOING" I shouted. Or something along those lines.
Monkey Bite shouted something back at me, but as ninjas only speak Ninjish, I didn't catch a word of it. I yelled something to him about getting a translator and then a battle of epic proportions began. Ninjas were pouring out of the woodwork, coming at me with shurikens and nunchaku and shitake mushrooms and stuff like that. I think at one point there was a panther that tried to eat me, but I kicked it in the throat with my high heel and it exploded.
By the time the battle was over my roof was littered with ninja bodies and my clothing had been half ripped off in the commotion. Also there was a mysterious wind and I had struck a sexy pose. My injured enemies had fled to the trees, all except Monkey Bite. He babbled something in Ninjish and I told him to go teach his grandmother to suck eggs. Our witty banter continued for a few minutes and then he yelled the only English I've ever heard him use--"Sassy bitch!"--and he disappeared in a puff of smoke, along with the rest of his injured ninja party, the bodies of their slain, and for some reason, the remains of my clothing.
Up until that point I didn't remember exactly why the ninjas are always out to get me, but now I did. Only one person had ever called me a sassy bitch. Well, no, wait. I call myself a sassy bitch all the time. It's Cole's pet name for me, too, primarily when she's drunk. And Kelilah's been known to use it. Okay, so a lot of people call me a sassy bitch. But only one who could be associated with ninjas. There was this gambling conman billionaire I met over in Europe the last time the FBI called on me for help (which they do a lot, because I have mad skills and am also a marchioness), who called himself the Prince of Black Jack. We had a kind of a one-night stand thing, which might have turned out to be more if I hadn't messily slaughtered his entire slew of bodyguards when they caught me hunting for my underwear the next morning. We haven't really been back on good terms since, especially since I cheated him out of roughly a million dollars (which I blew on alcohol and lingerie within a week).
So that was where the ninjas have been coming from! Suddenly things make much more sense. I was still naked on the roof during this revelation, but I had to come down when I heard my dad shouting up in askance of what the ruckus was all about. I screamed something about termites and shimmied into my bedroom window to look for some clothes. Will the ninjas return? Probably. Will I post about it? Who knows.
Icarus promises that the next post will be more normal. No, really, she does.
posted by Icarus at 5:38 PM
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